I wanted to express through this blog what I went through these past 2 months, which totally changed my approach to life. A life where I now choose to appreciate who I am and what I have instead of being insecure and dissatisfied, which is my biggest issue. It’s been a long time since I have allowed myself the pleasure of writing and sharing a bit of my life with the world. The last time was in the summer of 2012 when I did my first initiatory journey (as my father would call it). I was writing a blog almost every day, in French, sharing my stories and pictures across Canada and the East Coast of the U.S.A, all the way to Burning Man. (http://mathildetuban.blogspot.com ) It made me very proud at that time to keep up this blog. I loved so much to share my incredible adventures. I love it so much, that a part of me dreams of writing a book one day about all the extraordinary things that I have lived. Things that, paradoxically, I struggle to appreciate on a day to day basis, because there is always some piece missing to my happiness. Since 2012, I haven’t dared really to write or publish anything. I let myself believe that I'm not good at it, so I don’t bother.  And I’ve been doing that my whole life with a lot of things, like dancing, playing, singing, being happy… how stupid is this!?!

Hopefully, it’s not totally true because I do try to be happy and I am much happier today than I have ever been. But the belief that I am not good at it doesn’t help. So, fuck this! I am good at being happy and I am getting better at it every second of my life. Especially since I live in a place dedicated to happiness, TierraMitica, my home…

I’ve been depriving myself of enjoying things that I love just because I let myself believe that I am not good enough at them. I’ve been depriving myself from enjoying who I am, just because of a stupid belief that I’m not good enough. I’ve been depriving myself of enjoying my life just for a stupid belief that my life isn’t good enough. But good enough for who? For my Dad, who is gone? For my Mother who doesn’t agree with my choices, like every Mother? For the imaginary judges that exist only in my head, because I don’t want to choose for myself what is good enough? I got so used to looking for what was missing, that it was all I could see. I had glasses on my nose that made me see everything morose, and the better my life would get the more dissatisfied I would be… I was getting too complacent, forgetting to be grateful for who I am and what I have. I tried to control it by pretending to be satisfied, but it was fake, I was still secretly agreeing with my dissatisfaction, deep down I was believing that it was true. That’s how I reached a point where all the little pieces of tape I’ve been sticking my life together with fell apart.

My dissatisfaction was pulling me down for too long, I had to deal with it and stop listening to the 'not good enough' voice, or the monster would never stop eating me. I realized that I had to wake-up, seriously, because I was about to lose everything that I built, everything that I had, because I was unable to appreciate it. I was about to lose the man I love, my husband, Simon, because of my dissatisfaction. I was too caught in my insecurities, always looking for constant reassurance, expecting that he would make me feel what I was refusing to feel for myself, that I was good enough… I was always full of expectations, nothing that he could do was enough. I was incapable of appreciating him and what he had to offer, and of course he felt unappreciated. I was depriving both of us of what we want and what we love, the Mathilda that shines… I was doing with Simon the same thing I did with Thibaut, my first love. I didn't feel good enough, I didn't believe he could love me, so I deprived him of my shine, my pleasure, leaving him with a woman that was impossible to please. That’s how I made my fears come true, and that’s how he went to find my ungiven pleasure, his drug, with other women. I pushed Thibaut away like I was doing now with Simon. It was time for the ‘not good enough’ self-fulfilling prophecy to stop!

Simon realized how unhappy he was and what he deserved. We decided to give our marriage one last chance. Two months to become happy together, or we would break up, because both of us deserve to be happy… That was almost 2 months ago…

In the beginning of that two month period, a part of me was refusing to see the opportunity in what was happening.  The part that didn't believe that I had the power to change the story and make it work.
I was incredibly grateful for this second chance but I was also terrified to fuck it up, terrified to lose Simon, my rock. Terrified to never be able to be happy, with or without him. To make this work, I had to feel that everything was going to be ok, but my fears of losing the man I’m crazy about kept coming up, making it hard to believe, hard to feel. I managed to calm my fears by reminding myself of all the beautiful moments that mean everything, that are real, like when he holds me, when he smiles at me, when he whispers in my ear ‘I love you’…

During that time our parents came to visit us for the first time. We told them about the situation and they were very understanding. We had a great time together, creating a feeling of family between all of us. We stayed a few days in TierraMitica, then we went to Cuzco and the Island of the Sun. I even had a few romantic moments with Si, which reminded me how much this man loves me.

Family portrait of the Kingsleys

At the end of the trip, after the parents left, we spent two nights in Lima. One night my fears started to creep back in.  That night I when into total panic, unable to sleep, feeling terribly guilty for being this ‘horrible person’ in front of Si. I was powerless, dominated by my fears of losing everything that matters. Not just Simon but all my life, TierraMitica, the Tierramiticans, my passion, my talent, my shine, my life, everything that I had, because I was incapable of appreciating it!! My whole body was an empty hole, afraid of living.

The next day we came back to TierraMitica. I asked Mikis to put me in the Choice OS workshop that was starting a few days later. I wanted to get rid of this bullshit… I couldn't handle it. Mikis looked at me with a big smile and said: ”You want to be part of the Choice OS? Ok, you are in.” I jumped for joy! I needed help, I needed to find the trust that I had lost. “Mikis, you are the most unpredictable person in the world.” I think. He brings this beauty into our lives and I’m so grateful for him. Whatever we imagine he goes beyond! I was ready to confront the most horrible truth about myself, ready to suffer, but instead he made me jump and sing. In the workshop I jumped through a dimensional door that transformed me into the Goddess of Joy, a goddess I was hiding deep down not allowing to come out. A goddess I was not daring to be… Now I have a little song and dance that I came up with during the workshop,“ I AM THE GODDESS OF JOY, I JIGGLE, I WIGGLE, AND PLAY WITH ALL!”. My mission is to transmit this joy that I’ve deprived myself and others from…The Goddess of Joy gives me a new identity that is much more fun than the dissatisfied victim I was for no real reason what so ever.

I was not having fun and taking life way too seriously, even my art was kind of sad. The French melodrama was not serving me, it was time to change the story and make it fun! I spent too much time waiting for something amazing to happen to me, but my whole life has been amazing, and it keeps getting better. My dissatisfaction was not real. I finally realized and felt it during the workshop. I knew then that everything was ok. That there is nothing wrong in my life. It was so good to allow myself to feel it, to allow myself to trust it. Of course everything is ok!

First of all, I have the best intention, being happy. Which means that I will be happy, no matter what! Even if I lose Simon, even if I lose my home, even if I lose my family, even if I lose all my money, even if I lose everything I have…If my happiness depends on things other than me then those things control me, I can’t really enjoy them. I did that with Simon and it didn’t make me happy. I want to enjoy my man and everything I have, not depend on them. Now I trust enough in myself to know that whatever happens I’ll figure it out. My happiness is a choice that depends on me, nothing else!

Second of all, I am the most amazing woman I know and I wouldn’t want to be anybody else. I am an adventurer that dares to live her dreams… I left my life in France for love, for a man I barely knew, and now I’m married to him and happier than ever. I dared to change and act on what was making me unhappy instead of ignoring it. I let go of my comfort, my house, my bad habits of smoking and drinking, I took my cat under my arm and went to settle in Peru in my new home where my man was, in an international community, with people that dare to try something different, something that resonates with them and with me.

I am proud of the choices I made and the woman I am. A woman full of love, talents, colors, fun, joy, beauty, to share, to grow, to live. That’s why my man is crazy about me. He is the best man I could ever imagine. With Simon, I know that we are creating the most mythic life ever. I have everything I dreamed of…

This workshop was such a good reminder of how powerful the work is that we do here, in TierraMitica, how lucky I am to be part of this. It was so astounding to feel the work on a deeper level, to see the change in myself and others. To feel how life and everything is exactly as it should be… deliciously so…

Mikis gave me a one year plan at the end of the workshop, like he does with every participant that doesn’t quit. In my one year plan I have a special agreement with Simon. To strengthen our union, he creates plans for me that he feels will serve me and make me happy. I need to trust his direction and practice enjoying whatever comes my way. He gets to know exactly what I like or don’t like and I can relax with him and go with it. If I’m unsure, I just ask him. It is extremely enjoyable! It helps us to understand each other. It gives him the power to guide me, to guide us. A power I was resisting. But not anymore… Through this contract I am realizing how much my man cares for me. 
Simon and I are finding a new place in the relationship, a place were we are happy together.
I also have a new job, creating joy in me and around me. In my art, my music, my friendship. Since I took the job, when I see someone miserable I dance and sing the little song I came up with. It makes everybody more joyful. It really works!
As a final mission, I will write a blog post every month so I can overcome my insecurities about my writing, especially in English, and make myself proud with something I love doing. Sharing my adventures, my thoughts, my feelings and getting better at it. So here I am…

Since the end of the workshop, I still have to fight against my old habits, my dissatisfactions, my fears and my insecurities that are all connected… But they are getting weaker and weaker because I know now more than ever that they are not true. I have the Goddess of Joy growing in me and I will keep calling her until she is totally part of me.This is who I am choosing to be, a woman that embodies joy, pleasure…
This time has been the opportunity for me to wake up and ride my dragons. To get my power back, the power to create beauty in my life.
Now I believe in myself, in Mathilda, the Goddess of Joy that lives in a world full of opportunity, were every dragon is a friend that makes me stronger. I am grateful for everything that has happened and the way I have handled it.

Now I can say that everything that happened was deliciously as it should be. I am grateful to myself, to my man, to Mikis and to all the Tierramiticans for being part this amazing experience we are living together.
Life is very pretty.

Mathilda Kingsley 🙂