Dreams Do Come True

Dreams do come true

On February 12^th at 9.30am, Bart and I became the blessed parents of our little wonder, our so much awaited little prince Victor!

And since he was born, I have been impressed at the number of people who showed up, even after many years, saying “I am so happy for you, I remember how much you wanted to be a mum.” It was a surprise to me to realize how much and since how long I had expressed my yearning to have a child.

A dream I carried with me, which almost died several times...

For me an image of happiness I always found in my mind was opening the door of my house, finding a pair of little colorful rubber rain boots by the door, put my raincoat on the hook next to a tiny little one, turning towards the hallway just in time to see a little creature running at me with big eyes and a big smile yapping “Maman!!!” before throwing himself in my arms. In the house there are kids drawing on the door of the fridge, toy cars and stuffed animals in the living room, a swing in the garden, a yellow duck on the edge of the bathtub... Cliches are not cliches for nothing, but because they talk about the good stuff.

I have always loved children, and loved taking care of them, since I was a little girl I had the magic touch with kids, and when I was younger it was obvious to me that I would have children one day. I was made for this, my heart was wired for this. It was obvious... until it wasn't anymore.. A couple failed relationships, pain, mistrust, made the dreams fade away... I started feeling I was not capable of having a good relationship, I was too scared to try again and hurt again, so having children... It felt far-fetched. Without realizing it I detached from this part of my heart. Decided to invest in my spiritual quest instead, that was safer, and to start by trying to understand how things work so maybe one day I can dare to let someone in, I can open my heart again. I was going to focus on me.

I was passionate about my quest, but also felt like a failure, alone, unable to cope with the world, to have a normal life, to build something, to have a family... I envied them, in all the gatherings I attended, the lovey dovey couples with little kids that looked like they had it all... They knew where they belonged. Together. They were a little tribe, connected.

I wanted that: tribe, belonging... So bad.

I started looking for my place in the world, my people. I had a family, but I wanted to find the ones who could share my thirst for more, my quest of meaning, understanding, my visions, my dreams. In my late twenties I had lived in a shared house with 8 to 10 other people, I had loved it there, and I knew that's what I wanted: community. Togetherness. A lot of life bubbling around, always something happening, always someone there, feeling the joy of just being there around the table together sharing a meal, caring for each other, feeling at home with each other. Simple. Essential. I wanted that, a deeper, bigger version of that.

When I arrived in Peru to volunteer in TierraMitica in 2012, TierraMitica was still only -for me- a project, where everything was to create, nothing existed in any tangible way. Make the home of the Mythic Voyage, an ayahuasca healing center and community. That didn't really speak of family... More a crazy multi-level adventure. I was going to see what I was made of, I was going to live a story of pioneering and initiation like in the shamanic books I was reading. I was going to experience a whole new world.

I remember one night, after an ayahuasca ceremony during a Mythic Voyage in the first year in TierraMitica, I was chatting with Ferd, who I knew was in love with me and who I discarded at that time, and he asked me if I wanted kids, and I said -very honestly, I thought- that I didn't know. He asked then if I wanted to get married, and... I wasn't even sure... I had convinced myself that that wasn't for me, it was not in my cards, wasn't going to happen, I was meant for another “mission”. I needed to believe that since I didn't think I could have it. I wasn't realizing that I was killing myself softly.

And then, as I was peeling layers of myself and growing my soul, I decided to give myself the gift of opening my heart, to trust and love a man, him, Ferd. With it, in which I partially succeeded, I reopened the Pandora box.

We failed as a couple, but this time I was going to keep my heart alive. Feel the yearning. Rather hurt than be dead.

I tried again with Adam, failed again, but this time I had opened deeper, even if it was not enough, and too late -damage was already done-... I was on my way.

When I got divorced at 41, I thought that the possibilities for me to have children had just gone down drastically. Especially when covid hit at the same time, the world froze and meeting people became mission impossible.

I thought I needed to resign myself, to trust I could be happy without children. Having a man would be the dream.

At that time I regularly woke up with a voice in my head screaming in panic:”where are my children?!!!”, and I realized every time that I had not made them, as if I had made a mistake on the road, missed a fork somewhere, took a wrong turn... And I had to ask myself every time what I would change in my life, where I would rather be, which choice I regretted, what I would have given up on to have children? And every time the answer was the same: I wouldn't change a thing... I just had to trust that everything, absolutely everything, was as it should be. Motherfucking Trust. How many times did I flex this muscle!!!

For me it was always clear that having a man was priority over having a child, I wanted both, obviously, but what I wanted was to be a family: A mummy, a daddy, and kids. I never considered, like other women, having a child by myself, just because it is time. I wanted the whole jalopy. I wanted to experience this love. This incredible bond between man and woman, when their love has produced little beings that they guide together, help to grow, show life to, and all the cool things in it. This primal bond that brings the animal in us, the instincts of family, that makes everything stronger. It was more and more clear for me, through the year, that my nature was calling. They call that the biological clock, and it is a real thing... and instead of an ugly thing that reminds women that the window will not stay open forever and that the time of youth has already passed, it felt for me like the call of the wild, nature saying “this is what you are made for, this is what you yearn for, go for it NOW”. Nature is so strong.

But again... thank god the animal part is not the only one, and it had to be right.

And thank you Mikis, for the greatest lesson of all to me: Trust always pays. The universe took care of me, Papa Bear did some magic, and the best man on earth for me, during an unforgettable Advanced workshop, spent his two weeks falling in love with me, choosing me fully. Bart Reyntjens,

Since then life has been so sweet, and Bart has been turning my dreams into reality one after the other methodically. He knew how much I wanted to have a child, and he wanted a family too, and he promised me to stop at nothing to make it happen. And I knew I could trust it. I know I can trust everything he tells me. With him being my rock isn't a figure of speech, it is his pride, and feeling his integrity and the depth of his commitment to me has changed me, melted some hardness inside, opened me deeper to the beauty of polarity, because from something I understood, wanted, and had the intuition of, it became something I live, I feel, something real. Not that he is the first man wanting to be my rock and doing his best in that direction, but because for the first time I am capable of allowing myself to trust it, to receive it. And it is a gift that keeps unfolding...

We embarked together on the adventure of the IVF, not as a broken cookie of a baby making experience, but as a blessing of an opportunity. Yes, at first I had a tiny feeling I was cheating nature who said that I had already missed my chance, that my body was already too ripe for this, but if nature made scientists so intelligent that they could create the technology to help us make a baby when we couldn't on our own... It means nature says YES, doesn't it! Truth is what serves my happiness. And Bart was so excited as well...

Our baby is a homo delectus baby. We fell in love with each other out of choice -very successfully!- we chose consciously to make a baby, we took many many steps, many many trips to Lima, I took many many pills, injections, different hormones up and down, went through a whirlwind of emotions, we lost a first pregnancy at the beginning of last year, Bart held me through all the feelings, in trust: the sadness, the loss, and back to hope. The strength of our connection, deeper and deeper, made everything easily as it should be... We obviously decided to keep going, the next time would be the right one... And during the Advanced in May last year, I went to Lima with Mama Aura while Bart was serving the workshop in hosting, and one early misty morning she accompanied me to the clinic where I was to receive the embryo of our baby in my womb. Just before the procedure, as the team was gathered in the room and we were looking at the picture of the embryo, the nurse burst and told me with stars in her eyes: “It's a boy!”. And all the room, big doctor included, shed tears with me... Our little Victor... Bart's dream to have a son! My little boy!

Nine months of awe. I've LOVED being pregnant. Even if I had some moments of anxiety, having to be cautious, with alerts of a miscarriage on the day of our wedding in June, as our whole TierraMitica family, and our blood families -Bart's dad, my parents, my brother, his wife and kids- were working excitedly to make us the most unforgettable evening and celebration, our doctor recommended to reschedule and for me to stay in bed... We both decided to trust the universe once again, to be on the side of life, of our dreams, and to take all the precautions but still get married that day. We spoke to Victor in my belly, telling him how much we trusted him, his strength and desire to join us for the coolest life on earth. That he would miss out real bad if he decided to go, so “hold on, my boy, you can do it, so let's go to the chapel and go get married!”

It worked! He kept growing and growing... magic. I felt like a goddess, I felt truly like a child of god, a child of nature, the magic of nature at work inside of me. I am growing a little human inside my body! Oh the feeling of my baby, after hours of stillness through the night, waking up in my belly in the morning and starting moving... My secret. Indescribable intimacy with an invisible being that is part of me...

Taking my place in the cycle of life as one of the mothers... sacred task, privilege. -I have sworn to myself to never allow motherhood to be a burden to me, but to keep feeling it is a privilege and a blessing.- It took a while to truly take it in: I am pregnant, this is real, this is happening... I kept looking at my belly in the mirror in awe... Going to Tarapoto was a blast, I could show off my big belly, seeing the emotion and envy of the other women. I was so proud. It is finally my turn.

Victor was born 6 weeks ago, and I even realized, against all odds, my dream of having a natural birth at 46. And -of course- that is another mythic story involving a thunderstorm, calls in the middle of the night, a crazy ride at dawn in the jungle under the rain with Benji behind the wheel, Aura by my side giving me pain relieving pressure point therapy, and Bart giving me shots of oxytocin with his loving touch, his presence, breathing me through the contractions, until he couldn't refrain my body understanding Victor wanted to come FAST... and once in the clinic a medical team very impressed at our calm, our love, my choices and my strength. And at 9.30am... oh my god, we met him! Little elf of a prince, our son.

It has been 6 weeks that he is part of our life, 6 weeks of moments of wonder, just looking at him endlessly, filled with love and amazement at such a beautiful creature, the one I nurtured and carried for nine months, this little animal so thirsty for life, our baby, my baby. It is true, it is happening, all of it. The things I dreamed of, like the things I had not anticipated... the whole package, I am living it and I am so grateful for it all, all the little details, the magical moments -hanging out the three of us in our big bed on Sunday morning- like what can seem trivial... the mini onesies next to daddy's underwear on the laundry drying line, the pride at seeing appearing the first juicy folds on his tiny legs... I am a mum, we are parents! It is NOT too good to be true!

And what a great timing, when he already has two best friends already waiting for him to join the fun of discovering life together!

The lucky Three Musketeers of TierraMitica, the little gang of our tribe... They will know where they belong... We are going to have so much fun watching them grow, explore, connect... And how lucky WE are to explore parenthood together too, with Andy and Maja, Leroy and Niloufar... and the ones that will follow.

So many dreams...

A new adventure has begun and I am so excited to see how the universe will make it even better than all my dreams, as always.

Thank you thank you thank you.